21 February 2006

Looking for feedback

Help. I am looking for objective feedback on some of the scripting I recently added to a landing page I am using. Here's what I have so far. I would appreciate any thoughts and ideas.

Hello and Welcome to (site name removed).

My name is Dave Stone and, along with my wife, Mara, we own and operate (name removed).

We want to thank you for taking a few moments to look over this preliminary information. We have put this page together to provide a little background about us as well as a little about our business.

First, about us.
We have been married almost 11 years and are raising 4 exceptional children, the oldest being 10 years old and the youngest nearly 4 years of age. We currently live in the Indianapolis area of Indiana. Our family roots are planted near Detroit, Michigan and Minneapolis, Minnesota.

We share this personal information with you for several reasons but primarily, we do so to convey that we hold family values as a prized and sacred principle. We further believe it is important to communicate who we are and what we stand for in our business. We have many of the same concerns that all families have from time to time. We are probably not unlike you or others in your circle of friends.

We are fundamentally independent business development consultants. We have worked with several dynamic companies in our industry since we began about 8 years ago. We assist others that wish to establish their own independent enterprise and facilitate the training and development to allow for maximum profit potential.

We offer a program that empowers average people, like us, to own their own business. We work with folks that have a strong desire to rise above their present situation, people who know they are capable and even destined for more than the currently possess. We create partnerships with teams of people to aid in their training and development, taking advantage of current technology available, by offering a program that continues to make a last impact in the lives of thousands of fellow business owners. What we do is....help people make a difference in their lives, the lives of their families, their friends, and their community.

We are currently working with people across North America that have faced many of these same obstacles. Ambitious people who kept their dreams burning in their hearts. Determined individuals that have taken control of their destiny.

Does this still describe you?
Do you believe that you are deserving of success?
Have you been looking for just the right opportunity at just the right moment?
Would you recognize it if you saw it?

(Contact info placed here)

If anyone has any comments or suggestion, I would greatly appreciate any offered.


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